Weakness

broken heart love sad
Photo by burak kostak on Pexels.com

I had a really insightful conversation with my roommate last night. There she was, lying in silence on the couch, and I asked her if she was going to head to bed since it was now midnight.

“I don’t know, I just…I don’t know, I feel like I won’t be able to sleep.”

I saw her eyes tearing up a bit and so I sat up and turned off my phone and asked her what was going on. She had been having some relationship hardships. She was practically married, but ended up breaking it off with the dude for legitimate reasons. She didn’t regret that, but it had still been hard for her lately to recover emotionally and to start dating again.

Apparently, earlier that day, she had run into her ex for the first time since the break-up. Nothing bad happened. They just said hello and goodbye and went their separate ways quite maturely. It had brought everything back. All the feelings of love, the good memories…she really missed him and the great experiences they once had together. But for my roomie, this was weakness.

When you are raised your whole life with certain expectations and people that you inevitably compare yourself to, it can be difficult to break out of that mindset. She had a sibling who went through an even more difficult and heartbreaking separation with their partner and that sibling ended up telling my roommate this: “don’t be so pathetic, suck it up and get over it, don’t act so weak, etc…”

So my roommate felt like she couldn’t cry. She wasn’t allowed to miss him. She wasn’t really allowed to feel or show any emotions. So this is what I told her:

“It’s ok to have a part of you that pushes you to be strong. It is also ok to have a part of you that lets you know that it’s ok to feel and to miss him and to cry. To do those things is to be human. Let yourself miss him. It won’t last forever. But by pushing those feelings down, it can only lead to them bursting out all at once later.”

I said these things without really thinking and then I realized that I needed to hear this for my own sake too. So I talked to her about my anxiety. How I force myself to be too strong all the time, to the point where I can’t even tell when I do need to let it out, so it all boils over into anxiety attacks. I just wanted to prevent that from happening to her.

She called it weakness, but I told her it isn’t. Feeling is never weakness; it is being human. It is not stupid or pathetic, it is real. Emotions and feelings are 100% valid to the person that is feeling them and it is real to them and should not be undervalued.

Toxic masculinity has also been a rising topic lately and I am glad it is. Everyone and anyone can fall into this trap of thinking that showing emotion is a weakness, but men face it more than most. It can start in early childhood, before kids even realize that there are norms that society has created. Children learn it from their parents and then force it upon other children, bullying and beating the uniqueness and trust out of them.

My roommate learned it from her own sister.

I used to tell myself when I got attacks that “it’s ok to be weak, it’s ok to be weak” but it’s not weakness. Just because you are not strong, does not mean you are weak. It’s just being normal and being human. So now I tell myself “it’s ok to not be strong all the time. It’s ok to be normal. it’s ok to be human. and it’s ok to be me.”

Advertisements

The High Horse

animal animals backlit beach
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

In this case, it would be more accurate to say high heels.

There I was minding my own business. I had just finished shopping at Savers, got into my car, and started getting my shiz together so I could leave when I suddenly heard this bang at the back of my car. I thought it was going to be some car that had bumped into me, but it was actually just some random shopping cart that had appeared out of nowhere.

I begrudgingly got out of my car and into the cold. I grabbed the cart and noticed there was also a second cart that was also nearby by car. I was prepared to bring them to the closest shopping corral, but there wasn’t one anywhere close to me. Should I have taken the time to walk through the cold to put away somebody else’s carts? Well, it definitely would have been nice of me. But it sure as hell wasn’t my responsibility and I was trying to leave. Also it was freaking cold. I moved the carts together where they weren’t in the way of any cars and then got back into my car.

After touching Saver carts I felt the strong desire to put on hand sanitizer, so while I was putting some on I saw HER. She came sauntering out of her fancy looking bright red car in her high heels, dressed like she was going to an interview. She did not break eye contact with me and gave me a frigid death glare as she walked passed my car, grabbed the carts in a self-righteous huff, and then brought them to corral (which, again, was a ways away) and then freaking continued to glare at me with absolute hatred as she strutted back to her car. I’m sure she felt as if she had just saved the world like the perfect human being she was. I shrugged at her as she glared and, when she wouldn’t stop, I stuck my tongue out at her like the child I am.

I don’t why this bothered me so freaking much, but her reaction legit just pissed me off. Like, I’m sorry the carts weren’t my responsibility or even mine to begin with? I’m sorry I decided to be an average human today instead of a perfect one???

It must be exhausting to be that judgmental all the time. To be honest, her life would probably be a lot more positive if she didn’t judge so hardcore like that. It wouldn’t hurt if she did things to actually just be a nice person rather than to showoff her judgments of others.

Congratulations, lady, you decided to be a perfect human today. But don’t you think you would have gotten more out of it if you didn’t  spend 90% of that “nice act” being negative towards somebody else? It kind of cancels out overall, in my opinion.

Without Energy

light light bulb bulb heat
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The past couple days have been a struggle, y’all. I had places to go to, events to host, ridiculous amounts of homework to finish, and just issues to deal with in general. I was socially pooped by the end of Friday and still had to run an entire event for my complex on Saturday.

The event did not turn out as great as my partner and I had hoped. We both ended up forgetting some major things for our event and I ended up scrambling around to get everything prepared. At times my partner and I aren’t exactly the best pair, either. She has a slower pace than me, it takes her longer to get things done, she gets distracted, she forgets things unless they’re written down, but then she still forgets to write them in the first place. It can be hard when I move significantly faster than her and am constantly trying to be productive and get things done. Since I obviously can’t force her mind to move faster, I have to force myself to move slower, which only ends up making me feeling like we aren’t being productive. My partner has not done anything wrong in general so I don’t blame her for anything, but having to deal with that has def been stressing me the flip out. It didn’t help that I had loads of projects to do this weekend and not enough time to do them.

I basically didn’t even get a weekend to re-energize. I spent 90% of it working in some way. In addition to that, I finally heard back from my ex boyfriend, D. It has been about 2 months since he asked for me to give him space so he could recover. We had always talked about how we would be friends no matter what and always support each other, but I guess it is a lot easier to say that when you are still together. D told me that the breakup had just hit him harder than he thought and that he wouldn’t be able to instigate any conversations or really continue the friendship for the foreseeable future, but that he would always be willing to be there for me. I returned the favor when I messaged him on his birthday and let him know that I would be there for him too if he ever needed it. Really I just found the whole thing disappointing. I know I learned a lot about myself and what I needed/wanted out of a relationship by being with him, but at the same time it feels almost like a waste that we can’t continue to at least check in on each other every once in a while. So I suppose that whole ordeal has been emotionally taxing too.

I have this bad habit of continually pushing myself even when I have no more energy left to use. Thankfully I am spending the next three weekend back at home where my family and best friends are. That will definitely help me to reset. I guess it is just hard as a college student, when you have responsibilities, jobs, and classes that only allow so many absences in which you have to force yourself to fulfill even when you’re without energy. It is difficult to balance everything and I am still trying to figure it all out.

Finally Some Good Roommates

white ceramic figurine of angel illustration
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I suppose that statement isn’t totally fair since I have had roommates in the past that I have liked. Unfortunately, they have always been tainted by the shizzy roomies (whom I’ve discussed in past posts) that were there too. But now I finally have a group of roommates that I can actually totally get along with as a whole.

It helps that I only have two roommates this year rather than three, which means I get a bathroom all to myself. One of my roommates, who I will call A, is super sweet. She does take up about 75% of the fridge , but she is friendly, invites me out to stuff, watches movies with me, actually has conversations with me, and is totally understanding when I have a concern. For example, she likes to blend things at 7am every day, so I messaged her nicely and asked if there was any way to do it the night before or in her room since it was making it hard for me to sleep. She actually apologized and promised to be better about it. It was amazing.

I know that sounds like the decent and normal thing to do, but I am used to roommates just arguing with me about things like that in the past or ignoring me and not changing at all. So yeah, it’s awesome.

My second roommate, who I will refer to as C, is also way chill. She doesn’t take up hardly any space in the apartment. She spends 90% of her time in her room and is always super quiet, which I appreciate. She may not be super social, but she doesn’t cause any issues either.

Basically, I am super happy I don’t have any roommates to worry about this year.

In other news, my anxiety has gotten a lot worse lately. It has been happening more in the middle of the day, when I am trying to work and actually get stuff done. So that has been a bit of an issue. But I am starting to take my meds more regularly to combat that again.

Poem – Wildfire

fire orange emergency burning
Photo by Little Visuals on Pexels.com

There was a huge wildfire near me and what I saw and heard from people reminded me of the novel White Noise, by Don DeLillo, which is a very interesting read and I would recommend it. But anyway, here is a weird poem I wrote about it named “Wildfire”:

 

Yesterday was different smoke hung in huge ominous masses above the mountains the other side of the mountains were lit up from beneath highlighted with reds and hazy auburns a showcase in a window the glass separating us luring us in we could not smell it yet it was distant far and an apocalyptic aesthetic we craved the edginess the dark style of it all could not possibly be good for the air quality look at what just a strike of lightning can do yesterday now we can smell it upsets us it is dense in the air we despise it is a nuisance what thought do we give to the death destruction disaster on the other side of the mountain we feel the side effects not the burns themselves but it still spreads the news is just White Noise blurring together just entertainment insignificant faded static we ignore until it is close too close too late today.

 

I hope y’all enjoy! I’ve never written a poem in a paragraph format, but I felt like it helped to get the point across. Feel free to leave me suggestions or feedback if you would like! Thanks for reading 🙂

Sexual Assault

adult alone anxious black and white
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

So I had this realization recently that really hit me hard. I had been sexually assaulted. It wasn’t something that had happened in the last couple days. Actually, it had happened over a year ago, but I just hadn’t realized it.

About a week ago, I had to take an online sexual assault training for my job at my university. To be perfectly honest, at first I found it to be kind of excessive. I felt like it was saying the same things over and over and over again. I kept thinking that I already knew all this stuff. No means no. Yes means yes. The absence of yes means no and not yes. It was obvious, right? We should all know this stuff…right?

But the thing was, I didn’t know. I had not comprehended it. Back in my high school health class they spend a day teaching you this stuff. They say that consent is important and if they say no then it’s a no and if they say yes then it’s a yes. But…I don’t remember ever learning that it wasn’t that straightforward. That if there is a grey area then it is a no. No one ever really told me this stuff and I was never very sexually active until college so it wasn’t like I had many experiences to draw from. My parents never really went through it with me, which I don’t hate or blame them for, but it is part of why I didn’t really understand consent to the fullest degree.

So here is what happened to me. It wasn’t some sort of extreme example and don’t worry, I am not going to go into any details, but I wanted to share the gist to get my point across. The guy I was with I had been talking to for a couple weeks. One night we were hanging out at my apartment in the living room and at some point he picked me up and carried me to my bed. It is important to know that he did not ask for permission for anything he did. He took my clothes off for me, rather than letting me do it or asking me if it was ok. He asked me if I trusted him and I responded with something along the lines of “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure,” but he kept going. I was silent, but at certain points it was painful for me and I tried pushing him away. He only paused and continued. I eventually found an excuse for him to leave and hurried him out. But I didn’t think this was sexual assault. I had never said no explicitly or clearly told him to stop. For the most part I just let it happen. He pressured me into it by not even giving me the chance to give consent. He knew I was inexperienced and submissive and he took advantage of that to do what he wanted. It was sexual assault and it wasn’t my fault.

I kind of had to remind myself of that. It just wasn’t my fault. It is never the victim’s fault. And now I understand how hard it is as the victim to actually make yourself believe that. You want to tell yourself that it was your fault or you should have done something or you should have said no or you should have known better…but that stuff doesn’t matter after it has all already happened. I was taken advantage of and it wasn’t my fault.

I talked to my best friend about it and she helped me to kind of come to terms with it a bit better. But it still bothers me. Thinking about it just makes me feel upset. I even talked to my dad about it and it was then that I kind of saw a bit of the problem. He said that we really ought to teach people to say “no” more explicitly, but he has got it backwards. What we need to be teaching people is it is ONLY A YES that makes it ok, not the absence of a no. Guys and girls need to be taught this in high school, as that is when they start to become more sexually active anyway. It needs to be taught more clearly, more concisely, more in depth/detail, for more time, and it needs to be repeated until it sinks in completely. If I had been taught more about it and if the guy I was with had been taught more about it then I would have known it was wrong what was happening and the guy would have known not to do it in the first place.

I know this is a much more serious topic than what I talked about yesterday, but it has been on my mind and has been bothering me so I feel like it is important to say. I feel like there are still so many people that don’t grasp this. If there is anything I forgot to mention that you think is important then please feel free to comment below.

Here is a website I found that lists 67 resources on sexual assault. It includes hotlines, call centers, shelters, counselors, support resources, somatic therapies, yoga for those experiencing trauma, animal therapy, art therapy sites, online chat/peer support, retreats, books, and a section on how family and friends can support those who have experienced sexual assault trauma. Copy and paste the link or click HERE if you’d like to learn more: https://greatist.com/live/sexual-assault-survivor-resources

The National Sexual Violence Resource Center also looks like it has a lot of good info and you can check that out HERE or use this link: https://www.nsvrc.org/

 

 

 

 

Online Dating

woman person knife kitchen
Photo by Valeria Boltneva on Pexels.com

So…apparently I have been doing it all wrong. I’ll admit, I have had a lot of really bad dates and that should have tipped me off. But I suppose I was just so content with how bad things were that I did not really think about it. It took the much-needed bluntness of my best friend to bring me to the obvious realization that all my online-dating choices were pretty crap.

Basically, I was just “too nice.” I gave every guy the benefit of the doubt rather than being much more skeptical, specific, and picky in general. Every time a guy would message me, I would always respond. And every time a guy wanted to hang out, even if we had literally only said ten words to each other, I would be like “alright, you pick a time and place as long as it’s in public.”

Now I wasn’t a total moron when it came to safety. I would never give my number or full name out unless I super super liked the guy and we had been talking for awhile. I would never meet anywhere where there wasn’t going to be other people. I also always drove separately rather than being picked up, as that would mean the guy would know where I lived  and could drive me off to anywhere.

It is actually kind of insane how oblivious some guys are to how suspicious they can be sometimes. I’ve had guys ask if we wanted to have our first date “taking a long drive through the canyon” or “walking through a park at 7pm.” I once had a guy keep asking to come over to my place so we could have a movie night (even tho we hadn’t met up in person yet and had only been talking for a day) and when I told him “no, I would rather avoid stalkers” he told me I was weird and never replied to me again.

List of creepy/weird/bad experiences I have had:

  • I’ve had a guy describe himself as “psychotic” and literally say that girls who are creeped out by that are “morons”.
  • I’ve had a guy read my entire profile and automatically assume that every word of it was bullcrap, effectively calling me a liar before actually talking to me about it and asking me questions about it.
  • I’ve had a guy continuously ask me about how comfortable I am about public nudity and, after I refused to answer because even the question made me uncomfortable, he said it was to break the ice and reduce awkwardness. I told him it only made things more awkward and is a question that should wait until you get to know someone more, and he ended up calling me a couple crude names before leaving altogether.
  • I have had a date where the guy had not even combed his hair, wore a grimy camo sweatshirt, admitted to not being able to drive, had no money but tried to convince me that he’ll “soon get a lot from his dead grandparents”, had no future aspirations, and did not ask me any questions and just talked about himself the whole time.  He thought the date went well…he was disappointed by the end.

There are definitely more, but there are a couple examples, anyway.

9/10 of the dates I have been on have ended up weird, just bad overall, or incredibly awkward. And so what was the last straw? A guy who took me out to an ice-cream place, who was probably the most awkward person I have ever met. He did not know how to approach or talk to me in any way. We spent the first 10 minutes in silence as we ordered our ice cream separately (even after I tried to ask him a couple questions). I tried to ask questions and expand upon both of our answers, but every time he would ask a question and I would answer, he would just ignore my answer and ask another question. It was awful overall and only lasted like 20 minutes total. He also thought the date went well and I had to tell him that no…it didn’t.

After I shared this experience with my best friend, she informed me that I shouldn’t be going out with guys willy nilly. I need to spend more time messaging them and getting to know them beforehand. I should also be as picky as possible when it comes with who I choose to match with. “If you can’t picture spending the rest of your life with them,” my friend put it, “then just say no.”

It was genius, revolutionary, and so completely obvious that I couldn’t believe how stupid I had been. It shouldn’t surprise y’all that I have never really had much experience with dating as a whole so I am still learning, but still I can’t believe how nice and open and hopeful I was about all the guys on online dating. So no more Mrs. Nice Gal.

I’ve more clearly stated in my own profile what I will pass on and reasons why they ought to pass me if they don’t like particular things. For example, stuff I will pass on I listed as:

  • Guys who smoke,
  • Guys just looking for hookups/sex
  • Guys who have empty profiles
  • Guys who leave 1-3 word messages

Setting these standards like this for myself will definitely be a good start in helping me rat out the bad ones and I now plan on spending a lot more time actually talking to the guys I match with.

I once had a guy that said “if you don’t meet up with the person within a week then it isn’t going to happen” but now I totally disagree. If you can’t keep up an interested conversation for more than a week, then why even bother meeting in the first place? The one good relationship I had was done online for MONTHS before we had a chance to meet each other due to long distance living situations. So when you meet up doesn’t make any difference. I am surprised so many guys are so eager to jump into meeting in person so quickly. From what I have experienced, most of guys have been much worse in person than online.

By the way, I received my first unsolicited dick pick recently and it is GROSS. I feel even less attracted to sex more than ever. Even after I explicitly said NO when he asked if he could send it and he STILL sent it. Why do guys do this? It’s nasty and violates consent rules. Just DON’T DO IT MY GOD PLEASE STOP WHY

So, anyway…that has been the evolution of my experiences with online dating. We will see if this new approach will lead to better results for me in the long run. Wish me luck.

Guess Who’s Back?

gray newspaper
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

That’s right! It’s me.

School Update: 

I’ve come back from the depths of school, work, and YouTube to write again. For anyone who is still remotely interested in following my exploits, I started school a couple weeks ago and have finally been able to muster enough time and mental energy to post on my blog again. It’s been ridiculously busy, to say the least. I’m taking six classes this semester, all related to education, so it has been hard to keep them all organized. I also have to do 20 hours of observations in schools on top of my classes and job.

In the meantime I have been working as a REC (Residential Engagement Coordinator), which has been incredibly fun and busy. I have a partner to work with and, although she is kind of scatter brained at times, she is super nice, helpful, and positive. She’s much more extroverted than I am so it’ll be interesting to see how the two of us work out. Unfortunately, I spent two hours bent over a poster painting about 4 days ago and my back has been KILLING me ever since then. So I’ve gotta sort that out.

Anxiety Update:

My anxiety has not been super bad in a really really long time. I haven’t had any attacks for awhile now, actually. I do feel as if it is creeping up on me slowly as I become more stressed out about school. However, my therapist recommends that I don’t try so hard to avoid it because that will just end up making me afraid of it. He says it’ll be much better if I am aware that it could happen, accept that it is a possibility, and just be prepared for it. Already that has helped me significantly. I haven’t had to take my meds as regularly anymore too!

Random Updates:

I have managed to send out my novel to publishers so hopefully that turns into something awesome.

But, in even more interesting news, I’ve started up online dating again. Y’all can expect to see a post later today discussing how that has been going in general so you can look forward to that!

Anyway, that has been what’s going on with me and I hope y’all look forward to future dramatic, ranty, insightful posts. I already have a couple posts lined up, so get ready…

The Star-Power Simulator

time lapse photo of stars on night
Photo by Jakub Novacek on Pexels.com

Now I don’t know if anyone else has played this game, but if you have then you know how freaking terrible and upsetting it is. The game is basically rigged to make everyone hate everyone else and to get people all upset. Apparently it’s used as a leadership activity, but it freaking sucks.

The whole point is that everyone going into it has no idea what’s about to happen or how the game works. The entire thing is supposed to be a surprise. It starts out all innocent and happy, where you have to trade colored chips for more valuable colored chips. But then it all starts to go down hill. Those who have the higher scores, based purely on luck, end up being in “the high class” and then there’s a middle and low class as well. Once people get separated into classes that are just formed by luck, just like our actual society, then the high people get more expensive chips to start and get to make up the rules and it’s all just insane and makes no sense and people start yelling and thinking other groups are out to get them and so yeah…it got emotional real quick.

It’s one of those games that you think would be better served in an economics or sociology class, where you’re actually learning about how our society functions or something. But this was done at a freaking leadership retreat and I honestly don’t understand what the point of it was. They said that over time I’ll think it was the best game ever, but I have serious doubts about that.

To be honest, it has been pretty hard for me lately and going into a game that purposefully tries to make you super upset and without any warning…well let’s just say I don’t think that was a great idea. I wasn’t prepared for it and ended up not having any fun after like 10 minutes and by the end I was literally bawling my eyes out and had to leave the room for awhile.

I actually found it kind of cruel to make people play a game like that, in which you trick them into thinking it’s fun, not even warning them that this may not be the best game if you’re having a rough time or something. I was already on edge, but that game just tipped me over without even a whisper of what was to come.

Sure, you could say that the game teaches you not to assume other’s intentions or to communicate better or to stay positive or to take a step back and breathe…but could we not learn those things in a less upsetting way? It just seemed like an extreme game; one that shouldn’t be used unless you have a group that has already been having serious issues with these ideas.

And yes, it’s just a game, but the problem it doesn’t feel like a game when you’re playing it. It is emotional and intense and you lose a lot of control over how you’re feeling unless you were prepared for it from the beginning, which 98% of my group wasn’t. It’s easy to laugh it off afterwards, but it was absolutely horrific for a while and so I just don’t see the point of putting people through that. I have more than enough to stress me the hell out so I’d rather not be thrown into a game that’s actually made to stress you out for no clear reason.

They never actually tell us what the point is. They just ask us what we thought we learned about working as a team and about ourselves. I definitely didn’t learn anything about myself. That I get emotional easily? Yeah, like that wasn’t already obvious. Basically, they made us give meaning to the game after putting us through hell. So I just don’t think it was a very fair thing to do.

And so now I just think it was stupid and just not worth doing and a waste of time more than anything, but I wanted to rant about it cause holy crap did it suck. I think the tricky thing is…you don’t know if someone in a group of people is having a hard time in their lives and a game like that could really screw with someone’s head. In this day and age, where almost every other person has a freaking mental illness, I don’t think a game like that is necessary.

Do y’all have any thoughts?

The Break-Up

woman and man sitting on brown wooden bench
Photo by Vera Arsic on Pexels.com

It is kind of hard to get your thoughts together after a breakup. You just feel emotional and overwhelmed. I tried to logically approach everything that happened and still ended up feeling lost.

I know how things went, though. We fought, took a break, had a conversation, agreed to try again, went on a date, and then I left for the weekend and came back without any hope.

The whole thing was really just a big pity. We started so strong; he was happy to find a girl who wasn’t just a terrible person for once and I was happy to find a guy who I could actually start a long-term relationship with. We were so hopeful and euphoric. We were so caught up in our similarities and discovering ourselves and each other, that we ignored our innate differences, even after we knew they were there.

Looking back on things, it seemed like there was a lot of pretending between the two of us. I pretended I could live up to what he wanted, that I could love him as much as he loves me. And he pretended that it was ok to change, that our major differences weren’t so major.  And for awhile we didn’t care, not until a few short phrases broke through our pillars of sand and brought it all toppling down.

I felt dreadful. I watched from a distance and realized how disconnected we really were while he just struggled to pick up all the pieces, still believing that we could work it out. He convinced me we could work it out, but the doubt and the disconnection was still there. I spent a week away from him feeling glorious, knowing that he was only feeling terrible about the whole thing and missing me.

But we came back together and argued about what had happened and why were were disconnected and how we felt and what we needed…I came already knowing I would give him another chance. I already knew he would take it, but he gave me a pre-written letter, odd and a bit cliche, that told me at first that we ought to break up. And in that second I felt relief, but the letter continued and then said that he wanted to get back together and then he listed all the things he wanted it to be like – his expectations. And he asked me “will you be my girlfriend?” mimicking the first time he had asked me that and handing me a necklace. He wanted it to be like it was, but that wasn’t possible. Not after what we had realized and been through. And I wanted to cringe, but I smiled and nodded and so we agreed to start the relationship over.

A day or two later we went on a date, or a “hangout” as he would define it despite the fact that it makes no difference. He picked me up, he was distant and tense and awkward, he didn’t even hug me, which was a surprise. After he found out about my gray-asexuality, I know he wasn’t going to push me to kiss or cuddle, but I was still surprised at how far away he seemed. We played games and pool and he slowly lightened up, but the best part of the date for me was when we were both playing VR, separately.

He was supposed to meet my dad this past weekend, but I felt that it wouldn’t be the best idea. I was wanting some more alone time and I knew there wouldn’t be a great sleeping situation and that we would spend most of our time being bored and not doing anything. I am glad I said I wanted to go alone in the end. I ended up having lots of things to do anyway and I didn’t get to hang out with my dad nearly as much as I expected. It also just gave me more time to think and understand what actually happened during our conversation. So much had happened at once, after all. I still hadn’t totally let it all sink in. And I also talked with my best friend and tried to sort out my feelings in that sense as well.

It just wasn’t going to work. I felt it deep down inside me. Even when I tried to think about all the good we could give one another…it all just felt fake. The emotional connection I had for a short time with him had faded and I didn’t know if I could get that back by forcing myself to make this relationship work. Forced…forced…all I kept thinking about was how forced it all was. There were questions and problems that were brought up and were not and could not be answered. We were opposites in some ways and what are you supposed to do about that?

Everything good in our relationship could still be done as friends, but without all the pressure and stress and hopes of making things work. It would be easier, there is no doubt about that, but I just kept asking myself “is it worth it? Is it worth all the trouble and pain and stress to maybe get that emotional connection again?” The answer was no. But maybe it’ll come back again if we just try to be friends and then maybe one day we can revisit our relationship again. At this point, I doubt I’ll want to seriously date anyone until I finish college. If I had more hope for how it’d all turn out then I would have been willing to put in the work, but my hope was lost.

In the end I felt bad for him. He still felt so much love and hope and I just didn’t. I shouldn’t feel pity for my partner, I shouldn’t feel relief when we are apart, I shouldn’t feel distant and as if something is off in a relationship…and relationships just shouldn’t take this much work and force, especially constantly. I tried to tell him this, I tried to show him and explain how he shouldn’t trying to change something that has always been a part of him just because he wants to be with me. I am not right for him, not in a romantic way anyway. And the only way he could be right for me is if he changes who he is and that is something I could never ask of him. But he couldn’t see and I couldn’t convince him. He just blamed me for not wanting to put in the work. If it makes him feel better then I’ll let him believe it.

I finally said it, “I can’t argue with you anymore…I don’t think we can keep doing this…I can’t talk like this anymore…I’d rather be friends…it’s not worth it at this point…I just can’t do it. I can’t handle it anymore.” Apparently that wasn’t clear enough. He had to be the one to say the words and regain control.

So he told me, “I can tell that you don’t want to actually be the one to dictate this, and so I will. I am breaking up with you. It’s not you, it’s me…I am sorry that things had to end this way. I hope we can still be friends…goodbye.” If that isn’t cliche then I don’t know what is. I was a bit taken aback at his immaturity when he said all this and how he used such cliched fake phrases. He did mix them in with compliments to me, but that didn’t change what was said.

It was ridiculous and mostly my fault. I had texted him some more concerns and doubts I had, hoping and hinting that he’d think about them until we could meet in person. But he texted back right away and we argued over text all day until those words were said. I should have just waited until I could see him in person, but I had no intention of breaking up that morning. I just wanted to talk a bit and bring up some new issues, but it snowballed into a disaster.

And so now we are not talking. He needs time, which I completely understand. Meanwhile, I am just trying to remain hopeful and happy in my own way.