It is kind of hard to get your thoughts together after a breakup. You just feel emotional and overwhelmed. I tried to logically approach everything that happened and still ended up feeling lost.
I know how things went, though. We fought, took a break, had a conversation, agreed to try again, went on a date, and then I left for the weekend and came back without any hope.
The whole thing was really just a big pity. We started so strong; he was happy to find a girl who wasn’t just a terrible person for once and I was happy to find a guy who I could actually start a long-term relationship with. We were so hopeful and euphoric. We were so caught up in our similarities and discovering ourselves and each other, that we ignored our innate differences, even after we knew they were there.
Looking back on things, it seemed like there was a lot of pretending between the two of us. I pretended I could live up to what he wanted, that I could love him as much as he loves me. And he pretended that it was ok to change, that our major differences weren’t so major. And for awhile we didn’t care, not until a few short phrases broke through our pillars of sand and brought it all toppling down.
I felt dreadful. I watched from a distance and realized how disconnected we really were while he just struggled to pick up all the pieces, still believing that we could work it out. He convinced me we could work it out, but the doubt and the disconnection was still there. I spent a week away from him feeling glorious, knowing that he was only feeling terrible about the whole thing and missing me.
But we came back together and argued about what had happened and why were were disconnected and how we felt and what we needed…I came already knowing I would give him another chance. I already knew he would take it, but he gave me a pre-written letter, odd and a bit cliche, that told me at first that we ought to break up. And in that second I felt relief, but the letter continued and then said that he wanted to get back together and then he listed all the things he wanted it to be like – his expectations. And he asked me “will you be my girlfriend?” mimicking the first time he had asked me that and handing me a necklace. He wanted it to be like it was, but that wasn’t possible. Not after what we had realized and been through. And I wanted to cringe, but I smiled and nodded and so we agreed to start the relationship over.
A day or two later we went on a date, or a “hangout” as he would define it despite the fact that it makes no difference. He picked me up, he was distant and tense and awkward, he didn’t even hug me, which was a surprise. After he found out about my gray-asexuality, I know he wasn’t going to push me to kiss or cuddle, but I was still surprised at how far away he seemed. We played games and pool and he slowly lightened up, but the best part of the date for me was when we were both playing VR, separately.
He was supposed to meet my dad this past weekend, but I felt that it wouldn’t be the best idea. I was wanting some more alone time and I knew there wouldn’t be a great sleeping situation and that we would spend most of our time being bored and not doing anything. I am glad I said I wanted to go alone in the end. I ended up having lots of things to do anyway and I didn’t get to hang out with my dad nearly as much as I expected. It also just gave me more time to think and understand what actually happened during our conversation. So much had happened at once, after all. I still hadn’t totally let it all sink in. And I also talked with my best friend and tried to sort out my feelings in that sense as well.
It just wasn’t going to work. I felt it deep down inside me. Even when I tried to think about all the good we could give one another…it all just felt fake. The emotional connection I had for a short time with him had faded and I didn’t know if I could get that back by forcing myself to make this relationship work. Forced…forced…all I kept thinking about was how forced it all was. There were questions and problems that were brought up and were not and could not be answered. We were opposites in some ways and what are you supposed to do about that?
Everything good in our relationship could still be done as friends, but without all the pressure and stress and hopes of making things work. It would be easier, there is no doubt about that, but I just kept asking myself “is it worth it? Is it worth all the trouble and pain and stress to maybe get that emotional connection again?” The answer was no. But maybe it’ll come back again if we just try to be friends and then maybe one day we can revisit our relationship again. At this point, I doubt I’ll want to seriously date anyone until I finish college. If I had more hope for how it’d all turn out then I would have been willing to put in the work, but my hope was lost.
In the end I felt bad for him. He still felt so much love and hope and I just didn’t. I shouldn’t feel pity for my partner, I shouldn’t feel relief when we are apart, I shouldn’t feel distant and as if something is off in a relationship…and relationships just shouldn’t take this much work and force, especially constantly. I tried to tell him this, I tried to show him and explain how he shouldn’t trying to change something that has always been a part of him just because he wants to be with me. I am not right for him, not in a romantic way anyway. And the only way he could be right for me is if he changes who he is and that is something I could never ask of him. But he couldn’t see and I couldn’t convince him. He just blamed me for not wanting to put in the work. If it makes him feel better then I’ll let him believe it.
I finally said it, “I can’t argue with you anymore…I don’t think we can keep doing this…I can’t talk like this anymore…I’d rather be friends…it’s not worth it at this point…I just can’t do it. I can’t handle it anymore.” Apparently that wasn’t clear enough. He had to be the one to say the words and regain control.
So he told me, “I can tell that you don’t want to actually be the one to dictate this, and so I will. I am breaking up with you. It’s not you, it’s me…I am sorry that things had to end this way. I hope we can still be friends…goodbye.” If that isn’t cliche then I don’t know what is. I was a bit taken aback at his immaturity when he said all this and how he used such cliched fake phrases. He did mix them in with compliments to me, but that didn’t change what was said.
It was ridiculous and mostly my fault. I had texted him some more concerns and doubts I had, hoping and hinting that he’d think about them until we could meet in person. But he texted back right away and we argued over text all day until those words were said. I should have just waited until I could see him in person, but I had no intention of breaking up that morning. I just wanted to talk a bit and bring up some new issues, but it snowballed into a disaster.
And so now we are not talking. He needs time, which I completely understand. Meanwhile, I am just trying to remain hopeful and happy in my own way.
J's College Crisis 