So…apparently I have been doing it all wrong. I’ll admit, I have had a lot of really bad dates and that should have tipped me off. But I suppose I was just so content with how bad things were that I did not really think about it. It took the much-needed bluntness of my best friend to bring me to the obvious realization that all my online-dating choices were pretty crap.
Basically, I was just “too nice.” I gave every guy the benefit of the doubt rather than being much more skeptical, specific, and picky in general. Every time a guy would message me, I would always respond. And every time a guy wanted to hang out, even if we had literally only said ten words to each other, I would be like “alright, you pick a time and place as long as it’s in public.”
Now I wasn’t a total moron when it came to safety. I would never give my number or full name out unless I super super liked the guy and we had been talking for awhile. I would never meet anywhere where there wasn’t going to be other people. I also always drove separately rather than being picked up, as that would mean the guy would know where I lived and could drive me off to anywhere.
It is actually kind of insane how oblivious some guys are to how suspicious they can be sometimes. I’ve had guys ask if we wanted to have our first date “taking a long drive through the canyon” or “walking through a park at 7pm.” I once had a guy keep asking to come over to my place so we could have a movie night (even tho we hadn’t met up in person yet and had only been talking for a day) and when I told him “no, I would rather avoid stalkers” he told me I was weird and never replied to me again.
List of creepy/weird/bad experiences I have had:
- I’ve had a guy describe himself as “psychotic” and literally say that girls who are creeped out by that are “morons”.
- I’ve had a guy read my entire profile and automatically assume that every word of it was bullcrap, effectively calling me a liar before actually talking to me about it and asking me questions about it.
- I’ve had a guy continuously ask me about how comfortable I am about public nudity and, after I refused to answer because even the question made me uncomfortable, he said it was to break the ice and reduce awkwardness. I told him it only made things more awkward and is a question that should wait until you get to know someone more, and he ended up calling me a couple crude names before leaving altogether.
- I have had a date where the guy had not even combed his hair, wore a grimy camo sweatshirt, admitted to not being able to drive, had no money but tried to convince me that he’ll “soon get a lot from his dead grandparents”, had no future aspirations, and did not ask me any questions and just talked about himself the whole time. He thought the date went well…he was disappointed by the end.
There are definitely more, but there are a couple examples, anyway.
9/10 of the dates I have been on have ended up weird, just bad overall, or incredibly awkward. And so what was the last straw? A guy who took me out to an ice-cream place, who was probably the most awkward person I have ever met. He did not know how to approach or talk to me in any way. We spent the first 10 minutes in silence as we ordered our ice cream separately (even after I tried to ask him a couple questions). I tried to ask questions and expand upon both of our answers, but every time he would ask a question and I would answer, he would just ignore my answer and ask another question. It was awful overall and only lasted like 20 minutes total. He also thought the date went well and I had to tell him that no…it didn’t.
After I shared this experience with my best friend, she informed me that I shouldn’t be going out with guys willy nilly. I need to spend more time messaging them and getting to know them beforehand. I should also be as picky as possible when it comes with who I choose to match with. “If you can’t picture spending the rest of your life with them,” my friend put it, “then just say no.”
It was genius, revolutionary, and so completely obvious that I couldn’t believe how stupid I had been. It shouldn’t surprise y’all that I have never really had much experience with dating as a whole so I am still learning, but still I can’t believe how nice and open and hopeful I was about all the guys on online dating. So no more Mrs. Nice Gal.
I’ve more clearly stated in my own profile what I will pass on and reasons why they ought to pass me if they don’t like particular things. For example, stuff I will pass on I listed as:
- Guys who smoke,
- Guys just looking for hookups/sex
- Guys who have empty profiles
- Guys who leave 1-3 word messages
Setting these standards like this for myself will definitely be a good start in helping me rat out the bad ones and I now plan on spending a lot more time actually talking to the guys I match with.
I once had a guy that said “if you don’t meet up with the person within a week then it isn’t going to happen” but now I totally disagree. If you can’t keep up an interested conversation for more than a week, then why even bother meeting in the first place? The one good relationship I had was done online for MONTHS before we had a chance to meet each other due to long distance living situations. So when you meet up doesn’t make any difference. I am surprised so many guys are so eager to jump into meeting in person so quickly. From what I have experienced, most of guys have been much worse in person than online.
By the way, I received my first unsolicited dick pick recently and it is GROSS. I feel even less attracted to sex more than ever. Even after I explicitly said NO when he asked if he could send it and he STILL sent it. Why do guys do this? It’s nasty and violates consent rules. Just DON’T DO IT MY GOD PLEASE STOP WHY
So, anyway…that has been the evolution of my experiences with online dating. We will see if this new approach will lead to better results for me in the long run. Wish me luck.
J's College Crisis 