So I had this realization recently that really hit me hard. I had been sexually assaulted. It wasn’t something that had happened in the last couple days. Actually, it had happened over a year ago, but I just hadn’t realized it.
About a week ago, I had to take an online sexual assault training for my job at my university. To be perfectly honest, at first I found it to be kind of excessive. I felt like it was saying the same things over and over and over again. I kept thinking that I already knew all this stuff. No means no. Yes means yes. The absence of yes means no and not yes. It was obvious, right? We should all know this stuff…right?
But the thing was, I didn’t know. I had not comprehended it. Back in my high school health class they spend a day teaching you this stuff. They say that consent is important and if they say no then it’s a no and if they say yes then it’s a yes. But…I don’t remember ever learning that it wasn’t that straightforward. That if there is a grey area then it is a no. No one ever really told me this stuff and I was never very sexually active until college so it wasn’t like I had many experiences to draw from. My parents never really went through it with me, which I don’t hate or blame them for, but it is part of why I didn’t really understand consent to the fullest degree.
So here is what happened to me. It wasn’t some sort of extreme example and don’t worry, I am not going to go into any details, but I wanted to share the gist to get my point across. The guy I was with I had been talking to for a couple weeks. One night we were hanging out at my apartment in the living room and at some point he picked me up and carried me to my bed. It is important to know that he did not ask for permission for anything he did. He took my clothes off for me, rather than letting me do it or asking me if it was ok. He asked me if I trusted him and I responded with something along the lines of “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure,” but he kept going. I was silent, but at certain points it was painful for me and I tried pushing him away. He only paused and continued. I eventually found an excuse for him to leave and hurried him out. But I didn’t think this was sexual assault. I had never said no explicitly or clearly told him to stop. For the most part I just let it happen. He pressured me into it by not even giving me the chance to give consent. He knew I was inexperienced and submissive and he took advantage of that to do what he wanted. It was sexual assault and it wasn’t my fault.
I kind of had to remind myself of that. It just wasn’t my fault. It is never the victim’s fault. And now I understand how hard it is as the victim to actually make yourself believe that. You want to tell yourself that it was your fault or you should have done something or you should have said no or you should have known better…but that stuff doesn’t matter after it has all already happened. I was taken advantage of and it wasn’t my fault.
I talked to my best friend about it and she helped me to kind of come to terms with it a bit better. But it still bothers me. Thinking about it just makes me feel upset. I even talked to my dad about it and it was then that I kind of saw a bit of the problem. He said that we really ought to teach people to say “no” more explicitly, but he has got it backwards. What we need to be teaching people is it is ONLY A YES that makes it ok, not the absence of a no. Guys and girls need to be taught this in high school, as that is when they start to become more sexually active anyway. It needs to be taught more clearly, more concisely, more in depth/detail, for more time, and it needs to be repeated until it sinks in completely. If I had been taught more about it and if the guy I was with had been taught more about it then I would have known it was wrong what was happening and the guy would have known not to do it in the first place.
I know this is a much more serious topic than what I talked about yesterday, but it has been on my mind and has been bothering me so I feel like it is important to say. I feel like there are still so many people that don’t grasp this. If there is anything I forgot to mention that you think is important then please feel free to comment below.
Here is a website I found that lists 67 resources on sexual assault. It includes hotlines, call centers, shelters, counselors, support resources, somatic therapies, yoga for those experiencing trauma, animal therapy, art therapy sites, online chat/peer support, retreats, books, and a section on how family and friends can support those who have experienced sexual assault trauma. Copy and paste the link or click HERE if you’d like to learn more: https://greatist.com/live/sexual-assault-survivor-resources
The National Sexual Violence Resource Center also looks like it has a lot of good info and you can check that out HERE or use this link: https://www.nsvrc.org/
J's College Crisis 